theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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