I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I need to align my fucking chakras
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
