be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize