i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
