went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
