how can u be prego again
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
