Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Randomize
