I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
