Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
