And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
