Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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