My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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