the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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