who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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