when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Randomize
