My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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