Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
