mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
