She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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