getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Damn victory sex feels great
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
