You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
