my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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