for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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