apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
