Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
