I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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