You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
