She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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