and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Randomize