you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
