Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
