So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
