all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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