is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
