Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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