I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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