Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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