the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
