I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
