Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
