So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
