plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
