i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
