1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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