We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize