i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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