No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
