If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
