Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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