I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
