ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
