I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
