I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
